Round #2

So after an array of emotions all over the board, with lots of crying, some anger, and praying, I finally feel at peace and ready to move on. I still have 4 sweet frosties waiting for me! Christmas was bitter sweet. I had envisioned be pregnant and full of life and instead had to deal with the loss of 2 of our babies, but still wanted to make it a happy time with our kids celebrating the birth of Christ. I lay it all at the cross and give it to the Lord. His ways are higher than ours,and even though I don't understand, I trust his goodness! I'm trying to keep hope and joy in starting the process again! We are going to aim for a March FET. Our biggest hurdle is finances. We had to put the last one on our credit card and don't have enough credit to put another one on. Plus, I HATE debt. We need to at least get the first one paid off so we can put this one on it if the money isn't provided up front. So please pray for provision and consider helping us give the chance of life to 2 more precious embryos. Thank you for all the support and prayers in this crazy journey!! We appreciate it more than you know! All the "We're praying for you!" and "I'm following your blog." ect...really means a lot and is very encouraging! It helps to not feel alone in all of this! Tomorrow I start back on the birth control...and the process begins again. The doctor said that everything is fine with me and I have 4 very good looking embryos waiting for me and I will still have an 80% chance of getting pregnant with transferring 2 again this round!

I also wanted to share what my oldest did the day we found out we lost the babies.... I had made sugar cut out cookies that day and he saw there was some dough left over and asked if he could make some. I said sure, make whatever you want. I went on doing what I was doing and he told me to come see what he made. This is what he made.....

He used a snowman and gingerbread man cutter to make two "babies" and made them hold hands, along with a cross and two stars signifying that they are with Jesus in heaven now! Can you get more sweet than that! I still can't get over the thoughtfulness of this!! We can't get ourselves to eat the cookies, so I think we are actually going to bury them to give us all closure and celebrate the lives that are now in heaven waiting for us! This is what they looked like after he decorated them...

Lost.....

Finally got the call from the nurse....We lost the babies, however, they are not lost! They are in heaven resting with Jesus! I guess my brother gets to be the uncle he always wanted to be. Don't get theological with me...I know that's not necessarily how it works. But...they are all in heaven together! It's hard to know why, lots of whys but,....I just lay it all on the cross and trust he knows best. Even if they all end up in heaven, I will know that I followed the Lords will for our lives and even if I can't see all the reasoning's, I know he has a plan for us! We have 4 more babies waiting for their chance of life so I carry on with hope! I have a phone consul with the doctor tomorrow and will know more about what happened, or at least what things look like next. Please keep me and my family's hearts in your prayers as we process this loss and wisdom on how to go forward!!

Not so good....

So today was my beta test-blood work to check my HCG levels. Sadly my HCG was only 7. That means that at least one embryo did implant but probably miscarried. The nurse said the doctor wasn't comfortable stopping the cycle quite yet and to keep using my medications and will get another HCG test on Wednesday. She said she's seen miracles happen before. I've done a good amount of crying and am having a hard time holding on to faith that there is still hope. But like I've said before...I give it all to God, I just wish that meant that it didn't hurt! It's extra hard being so close to the anniversary of my brother's passing 10 years ago. Please pray for me and everything involved. We still have 4 precious frozen babies waiting for my womb. I don't know when we will be able to start the next cycle because of funds, but we will pray and ask for wisdom and direction.

In Between...Full of Selfies

The day after the transfer I had a super laid back morning. My sweet friend went to a nice unique coffee shop and got me a yummy bagel egg sandwich. It felt so good to just lie around. I was pretty tired and the bed was super comfy!! It was really nice that check out time wasn't till noon! So even with being lazy we both had time to take nice hot showers. We said good buy to our beautiful hotel and pacific beach! I have to say, even though it was pretty, I prefer the east coast :) But I LOVED the mountains and being able to see the ocean and mountains at the same time is incredible!

 A selfie leaving the hotel..

 After the hotel we went back to Michelle's parents for some yummy cheesy potato soup and a nap! Then we went for a drive up the mountains! I was sad I didn't bring my nice camera with me to Cali, so these cell phone pics will have to do.

 Selfie on the mountain top

 After our car tour of the mountain side that was basically in their backyard, we drove into L.A. and went on a TMZ tour!

 Selfie on the tour bus...

 After the tour we stopped at the famous Pink's Hot Dog Stand!

 Selfie at Pinks!

         Ok, now that My and Michelle's face are imprinted in your minds, let me fill you in on the rest of the days so far. Don't worry, no more selfies....

The next day I slept in and just took it easy in my room at Michelle's parents while she got to visit a good friend. Then we got packed up and headed to the airport. I checked in curbside since I'm not allowed to lift anything for awhile, and between check-in and TSA check point I lost my license!! That was NOT cool! I was trying to keep calm and not stress since I'm sure that would not be good for the babies, but it was hard holding in the tears...I retraced my steps (not that far) and asked many workers with no luck! Thankfully I had enough other identifying info that I was still able to get through the check point, but I still do not have my license! Please pray they find it and that someone doesn't try to steal my identity!

 My first flight got delayed and that got me a bit stressed for a little bit because it gave me only 10 minutes between connecting flights and I'm not ALLOWED to run! Thankfully my second flight got delayed a little and ended up being in the same corridor so I was able to walk right over to my next flight.  I was so happy to see my husband at the airport and go home and be with the rest of my family!

 My husband was super nice and had taken Monday off so that he could take care of the kids and let me rest from the whole trip! I was able to rest and get laundry put through!

 Yesterday Paul went back to work and we had a pretty normal day. I was able to get laundry put away and Christmas cards done. I had to be careful, because I could feel I was starting to over do it and took a break before having to get the kids from school. 

Today Paul stayed home because he has been sick (Fever and sinus junk). Eryn-Elizabeth had had it for several days and seems better today. Please stand in faith with me that I will not get this sickness! Today I also, had blood work done to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. I got a call from my nurse this evening and she said everything looks GREAT! They like to see progesterone around 30 and mine was 81!! They like estrogen around *100's and mine was in the *200's,. I'm not sure on the exact numbers on the estrogen (I was too excited to hear that they were good), but they were at least double what they like to see!! She just said to keep on the same amounts of the meds I'm on and she will talk to me on Monday when I get my HCG levels tested!! 

I've been trying hard to walk the line of faith and at the same time preparing my heart for the worst. That's a hard task for me! I jump in with two feet and ride the emotional roller coaster that my poor husband has to deal with! When I start to get nervous or sad that they might not implant, I just remember....They are not MINE they are God's babies and I give them to him to do with as he sees fit, because I know his plan is better than mine. Even if I can't see it at the time. That has seemed to help and give me a peace through all this. I still find myself getting excited when I feel "different", my boobs have grown, and I'm having nauseous bouts, but then I get nervous because I'm scared to be excited(expectant), because it could just be in my head (convincing my body to feel a certain way) or just reactions to the hormones I'm on, and then the cycle continues and I hand it over to The Lord! Please pray for me in this time of waiting full of feelings and emotions and above all, God's will!! Monday feels close, yet so far!!

Monumental Day!

Today was the day I've been waiting for. FET day! Yesterday we (my friend Michelle and I) flew from Kansas City to LA. The flight was a bit long with my second one getting delayed which meant we didn't get to bed till quite late. I was hoping since I was so tired that I would have slept like a rock, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. I tossed and turned and when I did sleep I had a nightmare. However, that meant I did a lot of praying!! The morning went pretty smooth. We stayed at Michelle's parents house, and they are super sweet! Her mom made us yummy muffins, and I got a shower before it was time to leave for the clinic. Here are some pictures of the beautiful scenery on the the way!

 We got there right on time!!

 We ended up waiting a LONG time, but that didn't bother me because I didn't have any where else to be, and I want him to take as long as he needs with his patients, because good patient care is hard to come by some times! Plus, I had my awesome friend with me to keep me company, make me laugh, and keep things light!

 We finally got to our room and the embryologist came in to show me my sweet embies!! These were the first ones they thawed and I kept getting told on how good they looked! Woohoo! It's pretty emotional getting to see your babies at such an early stage and made it so much more real!!

First they did a mock transfer, and then did it with the 2 embies. It was really cool to be able to see it!! And it didn't hurt at all! SUPER EASY!!

 Now I have this beautiful sonogram picture! They are in my uterus, but they have to implant themselves! Please agree in prayer with me that they both will implant and grow into healthy babies!!

The little white spot in the middle of the heart are the embryos!

By the time we got out of the clinic, we were pretty hungry, so we hit a New York style restaurant and really enjoyed my pizza slice! It was HUGE, but I actually ate the whole thing! I'm eating for 3 for now :) Then we went to a hotel on the beach to rest and got a complimentary drink!! I got a super yummy virgin pina colda!

           

Then we got to watch a pretty sunset from our room! Now time to get some rest! Tomorrow...some tourism

Time is Drawing Nigh!

Tomorrow I head to the airport and leave for LA!! This afternoon Dr Kumar called to confirm the appointment and the number of embryos we are transferring. No, I'm not going to be the next Octomom! The doctor is only willing to do up to two, so that is what we are doing! I have to say I'm getting pretty nervous! Not sure why, but I'm just trying to lay it at the cross! Would also appreciate prayers for grace with all the shots I have to give myself. My rear is getting awful sore and I have to do it every day for a couple months. 

I know the Lord often likes to wait till the 11th hour, but it sure is hard not to stress about the $3,000 I have to pay, and don't have, in 2 days!! Again, I lay it at the cross and contend for provision. I know that we are doing his will and he has given me several scriptures to encourage me!

Romans 5:13 
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

1John 5:14
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.

Luke 11:13
If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Mathew 7:7-8

 7"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

Progesterone!

I'm so proud of myself for giving myself my first shot of progesterone. It was actually much easier than I thought! Thank you Jesus!! Now, I just have to do it every day for a month or two if, no, when I get pregnant! Still can't believe I leave for CA in 4 DAYS!! and have the FET in 5!! So many emotions! I'm so excited, nervous, anxious, and more! I have so much to do in the next couple days that my head is spinning! I need to make a list of everything I need to do so I can hopefully get some sleep tonight! I covet all your prayers for everything involved! Drugs to do what they are supposed to, travel to go smoothly, financial provision, my nerves, the procedure itself, and above all, the Lord's will for these precious lives!! Ahhhhh! I can't wait!!!